


Prices Paid

by Dan Wilde (Chronolith)



Category: Gundam Wing
Genre: F/M, M/M, Women Being Awesome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2001-06-17
Updated: 2001-06-17
Packaged: 2017-10-08 12:27:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/75650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chronolith/pseuds/Dan%20Wilde





	Prices Paid

I didn't meet Heero Yuy until almost a full year after the skirmish with Mariemeia's forces, but I had heard so much about him from Duo that I already knew most of the taciturn pilot's quirks. I knew that if he cut a carrot each slice would be exactly the same thickness. I knew that if he sat down to read a book he would read the whole damned thing in one sitting. And I knew that he would bitch if you left the laundry on top of the drier. I knew all of this before I ever heard the guy's voice. I knew that he and Duo were closer than just friends or partners. Yeah, it did bother me, at first, until I met Duo's 'Perfect Soldier'.

It was raining the first time I met him, when he showed up on the steps to the house that Duo and I had bought. My lover wasn't there when Heero knocked on our door; he was off on some mission for the Preventors. I stood in the warm wash of the light and Heero stood in the chill of the misty rain. I don't think he expected me. I certainly did not expect him.

"Duo?" His voice was so quiet, so uncertain that I almost couldn't believe that it was his. I shook my head. My traitor voice had deserted me in my shock. Heero turned to leave, to go back into the cold embrace of the rain alone, when I caught his arm. He looked at me, startled by my gesture. I blushed a little, but kept my hold on him.

"It's freezing, and you're soaked." I had found my cowardly voice, "Come inside, please."

I think it was the please, but he let me lead him into the warmth of the kitchen. He dripped little puddles all the way there, through the living room and down the hall. He looked vaguely guilty about that.

In the kitchen I got my first good look at him, the man—boy really—who had stolen my Duo's heart before I had dreamed of being in love. He was taller than me by a few inches, I came up to about his nose, but he was shorter than Duo. He wore nothing but a pair of spandex shorts and a forest green tank top. He had a more muscular build than Duo, but he could hardly be called bulky. I noticed with the warm jerk of lust—the type that doesn't care about emotion—that he was handsome. The deep brown hair was thick with water and dripped into his eyes. His eyes were the color of the Irish Sea that I had learned to love. The look in those eyes stopped me and caught the corners of my heart. He looked so lost, so lonely, and didn't even realize it. I wondered if this was what Duo saw when he looked into those cobalt eyes.

And he was dripping all over my kitchen.

"Wait here for a minute," I told him, a hand on his chilled arm, "I'll go get some towels."

He nodded and shivered. I dashed out and raided the linen closet. I paused a moment. Duo had left some clean laundry on top of the drier. Jeans, sweater, boxers. I grabbed them. Duo wouldn't care and there was no way I was going to let Heero freeze in sopping clothes. The look the Prefect Soldier gave me when I came back with my arms filled with fluffy towels and dry clothes was so wary that I smiled. I set the clothes on the table. Those dark eyes never left mine.

"Dry off and change first, then we'll talk. You can use the bathroom around the corner, leave the wet clothes in the hamper." I added hastily. Duo had told me that Heero had a tendency to do exactly what you asked. I expected some argument, something. But he just looked at me with those lost eyes and nodded again. He gave me a searching look. I could tell that he didn't expect this of me, and it threw him a little. I smiled at him. Heero blinked and walked out. I sagged against the counter as soon as he was gone.

"Duo…. you bastard." I scrubbed my face with my hands and leaned back against the sink. "What the hell do you expect me to do?"

I stared at the ceiling. I didn't know what to think or what to feel. My lover's lover had shown up at the door looking for him. What are you supposed to do with that? I rubbed my arms and chewed on my bottom lip. I didn't understand half the things running through my head. There was too much to think about. I would have been angry, I think, if it wasn't for that look in his eyes. But since when was I the protective nurturing type? I made coffee without thinking about it. I just needed something to warm my hands. I was watching the steam rise of the black liquid trying to sort myself out when a small sound brought my head up.

He stood in the entrance of the kitchen watching me the same way you would watch a wolf, still, waiting to see if it would attack or run. Duo's jeans were a little too long on him, but he filled them out well. The sweater was stretched just a little tight across his shoulders and chest but it hung long at the waist. The towel was draped around his neck and it looked like he had given his hair a through rubbing with it. I had one sneaking little dirty thought before I reigned myself in. I, ah, could see the attraction.

I handed him a cup of coffee. "It'll warm your hands."

He just nodded. I sat down at the table and gestured for him to join me. Heero moved with the same unconscious grace that I admired in Duo. My throat tightened for a moment. I missed Duo intensely for a moment and hated Heero for reminding me. It must have shown in my eyes because he pulled back, uneasy. I looked into Heero's deep blue eyes so full of hurt and was afraid. If I screwed up here I'd leave scars. I wasn't sure if I was afraid because Duo would hate me if I hurt Heero any worse, or because I couldn't stand to hurt Heero any more than he already was. I looked away for a moment, chewing on my lip. But if he could hold so much pain in his eyes I could look at it.

I meet his gaze and let out a shaky breath. Damned if I knew what I was supposed to do.

"So," I blew at my coffee, "What brings you here in the freezing rain?"

I kept the question light, using it to hide my own uncertainness. I watched Heero as closely as he watched me. We were like to opponents in a sparing match, waiting for the other to indicate where they were going to attack first.

"I wanted to talk to Duo. I thought I could catch him before he left." Heero kept his eyes on his cup.

"I got that much when you showed up dripping on my doorstep." I cocked my head to the side, trying to look up under those heavy brown bangs. "But why, Heero?"

"Relena told me to go to him." He looked away, but not before I saw something flash through his eyes. Something that looked like betrayal. What gives?

I knew very little about the Minister of Foreign Affairs, except for one chance meeting on the Libra we'd never met. Duo rarely talked about her, and talked about her and Heero even less. But the idea of them together seemed to amuse him greatly. Don't get me wrong; he respected her. It's hard not to, but he just didn't seem to think she was as perfect as she seemed. From where I was sitting, it looked like she had screwed up big time, and expected Duo to clean up the mess. Just bully for me, he wasn't here.

"Um, Heero, I don't have the foggiest clue as to what gives between the three of you, but why would she send you here? I thought…nemmind what I thought." He was giving me a really nasty look. "But why would she send you away?"

"Relena…She said she couldn't do anything for me. Couldn't help me, couldn't understand me. She told me all the respect and admiration she had for me couldn't help me fight my demons. So she sent me to Duo." His voice was cold, mechanical, but under it was so much hurt. It sounded suspiciously like abandonment.

I had a sudden protective urge to revisit all that pain threefold on that little princess. Vindictive? Who me?

"Relena sent you here?" I half-asked, half-repeated. From what I understood from the other pilots, the little princess had followed him all over the place and now she was sending him away? Did she finally figure out that she couldn't turn a soldier into an ambassador of peace simply by willing it so? Did she finally understand that when you've been trained to kill, and do it quite well thank you, you can't just about face and stop? I wonder if Heero had broken one too many of Relena's idealizations of him and she had finally just given up. That didn't quite explain the hurt in Heero's eyes. Had he idealized her as much as she had idealized him? My thoughts were broken by Heero's agreement. Someone has got to teach him about rhetorical questions.

"Aa." Heero finally looked up at me and I looked into those startling blue eyes. A thought dawned on me.

"You don't have anywhere else to go, do you?"

He shook his head.

"You didn't bring anything with you, by any chance?"

Another sharp shake of the head. I sighed.

"Well, I guess you'll stay here. At least until Duo comes back. We've got more than enough spare rooms." Something came to me. Duo had insisted on one more guestroom than normal. Had he planned on Heero coming to us? Another question for that idiot when he got back. "You can borrow Duo's clothes until we get you some of your own. I don't think that he'd really care."

He looked up at me, completely dumbfounded and shook his head. I'm not sure what the headshake was about, so I ignored it. I stood up and started to leave.

"Hilde."

The sound of my name on his lips gave me a start. I turned around to look at him. He was twisted around on the chair, on arm across the back of it. "We haven't discussed…everything." Heero looked at me with unreadable eyes. I walked back to him and lifted the hair away from his face so I could look at him clearly. I knew the conversation he wanted, but I wasn't up to it. Not right now, not when I was exhausted.

"I know, but it's late and we're both tired. I'm less than coherent. We can discuss … whatever, in the morning." I'm tired. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. I looked at him and felt my expression soften. "It can wait. It's waited this long, it can wait a little longer."

Those incredibly blue eyes looked at me, took my measure, and Heero nodded. He let me lead him to the guest room next to Duo's room. I think I saw the corner of his mouth twitch when I explained the layout of the place. He let me get him lay an extra blanket and lay it across the foot of the bed. I think I amused Heero Yuy that first night.

I hesitated at the doorway of his room before I left to go to bed. He stood in the middle of the room just waiting.

"Hilde," His voice seemed to be warmer. "I'm fine, go to bed."

I looked up at him as he stood there in the middle of strange and impersonal room holding borrowed pj's and felt something in my heart break for him.

~~

I woke the next morning with a start, a gun held in a teacup grip leveled at the door. I blinked blurry eyes at Heero as he stood with one hand on the doorframe and the other on the door handle. An expression of utter shock shone in his eyes. I don't think he's ever had anyone pull a gun on him after being woken out of sound sleep. Correction, I don't think a girl has ever pulled a gun on him after being awoken from sound sleep.

I replace the 9mm Berretta in the holster attached to my headboard. I looked at him, extremely disgruntled.

"Next time, Yuy, knock."

He nodded, appraising me silently. I scratched my stomach sleepily and glared at him.

"What the fuck do you want, Yuy?"

Heero's full-lips twitched for a moment. "You have a call."

I growled at him for a moment before padding out to the vid-phone.

"Cut visual, accept call." I snapped at the phone. I felt Heero move into the room, barely within my field of vision. The vid-screen crackled for a moment until I thumped it soundly.

"Hilde?" Lt. Lucrezia Noin sounded momentarily uncertain.

"I'm here." It was too early to sound pleasant.

"Oh, I wasn't sure. You're visual is off…"

"It's fricken' early in the morning. I'm not exactly presentable, Lieutenant." I was trying   
not to snarl, honest. I think I heard a chuckle from Heero's side of the room.

"I'm sorry, but I have a very important favor to ask of you." I listened to her inhale deeply. When people do that generally it means that they're going to ask for something big that you probably will not like. "Relena-sama needs someone to be the Chief of the Secret Service. The person who filled that position left for…personal reasons." My eyes flicked to Heero; his entire body language was guarded. I tried not to snort at both of them. "….so, you really are the only person who is qualified and suitable for this position."

I only caught the end of Noin's sentence, but I was already pissed. All I could think about was that it was –damned- cold of Relena to write Heero off like that. Damned cold. I was pissed for reasons I couldn't quite explain. The entire thing sounded wrong to me.

"Hilde?" Noin's voice was uncertain.

Heero made a gesture for me to answer. I just looked at him.

"Are you still there, Hilde?"

Heero tried to Death Glare me into submission and I felt my face settle into that blank mask that I get when I'm really pissed off. The tension was like and audible beast breathing at our necks.

"Hilde?!" Noin sounded slightly panicked.

"Sorry Noin. I'm still here." Still holding eye contact with Heero. "Excuse me," See? I can be polite. "But this is a little sudden. You are asking me to give up a business. I need some time to think."

I only half heard Noin's reply before she signed off. Heero was scowling.

"Why didn't you agree? She must be protected." The low monotone held a note of deep disapproval and confusion. What the hell had this girl done that made him think that we should all just jump to do her biding? I, for one, don't scurry to obey well. OZ learned that the hard way.

"Why didn't I agree, Yuy? Fuck that. I'm not here to jump when she commands. And neither are you!" I had stalked across the room to jab a finger in his chest. "'Left for personal reasons' my ass! She –sent- you away. She is your personal reason. That bitch." I couldn't find the words, couldn't spit them out. Soldiers were not to be tossed aside and ignored simply because the war is over. We paid the price so everyone else could live the way they wanted, but we couldn't be ignored like a dirty secret once everything was over. Everything we had suffered we suffered for them. They owed a hell of a lot more than Relena was showing. "She has no right to toss you aside simply because you don't fit into her vision of the world."

I was very quiet but my voice held that note you get when you're trying to hold down on something. Heero's expression of bafflement didn't dawn on me at first.

"You're angry because of me," His voice was soft with wonder. "You're angry for me."

I just looked at him. "Fuck yes, Soldiers are not to be tossed aside simply because we have served our purpose." I could tell by the expression on his face that he didn't understand that.

I tossed up my hands in exasperation. "I'm taking a shower. We'll talk after that. You and your self-esteem are in need of some serious help."

~~

I let the water beat against my back until I felt like I would melt into a boneless puddle in the bottom of the bath. I knew that my skin would be a lovely shade of lobster but I didn't particularly care. I did my best thinking in the shower. Don't ask me why. I laid my cheek against the shower wall and tried to think of what to say to Heero. I didn't have the words. Duo could talk forever about nothing, but I always had to have a point. My idiot lover rarely had a point. For once I wished for Chang, he always seemed to have the perfect words for the situation, even if they weren't very pleasant.

I wanted to tell Heero that I wasn't going to give up Duo without being threatening. I'm not sure if that meant I felt like we could share. I've always been sort of the territorial type, and Heero struck me as being the same. So there was one problem.

I wanted to tell the Perfect Soldier that he couldn't become a civilian over night. The nightmares weren't going to go away just because he willed them too. God knows Duo and I had already tried, separately and together. So there was the other problem.

And then there was Relena and whatever mind trip she had played with his head. At least it looked like a mind trip from this perspective, but how the hell was I to know? I made a small whining noise and shut off the water with more force than necessary.

Ever since Duo had come into my life it had gotten so complicated. Mostly I didn't mind. It had given me Duo and I loved him beyond the reasons that I could name. He turned my life upside down and every time I thought that I had gotten myself set he waked me again. Some days I wanted to strangle him. Some days I wanted to jump his bones. Mostly I just jumped him. But that was not going to help me with Heero.

I walked into the kitchen in shorts and a t-shirt, still idly rubbing my hair with the towel. I watched him watch the clouds, coffee dripping into the clear pot on the white counter. If I could reach into your head, Heero, what would I see as you watch the clouds float by? I shook my head. I had some very strange thoughts as far as Heero Yuy was concerned.

He turned around with an odd expression on his face. I wondered if I had talked out loud.

"I didn't hear you come in." He made it almost a question. Somehow, after everything that Duo had told me I expected Heero to be more self-confident, more sure of himself. But he seemed so…off balance.

I shrugged and stepped into the morning light that pooled across the pale tiled floor. He frowned, but not at me. "You were a soldier." A statement this time.

"I would have thought pulling a gun on you this morning would have proved that." I poured a cup of coffee and watched him. The sunlight lurked in his hair; like it was afraid to dance the way it did in Duo's. His lips quirked for a moment.

"Aa." I wondered if his monosyllabic tendencies drove Duo nuts as well. Maybe Duo talked too much out of sheer defense of his sanity.

"You were the Perfect Soldier." I made the comment light, joking, but he glared into his coffee. Oops, sore point. Time to back up and figure out why. "What are you doing now?"

He shrugged one leanly muscled shoulder. All the other pilots had something to come back to, and Heero had thought that he had something to do after the war, protect Relena. But her Highness had different ideas.

"Need a job?" His reaction was almost funny if it hadn't been so sad. His blue eyes came up and raked mine. Almost a defiant glare, for moment I thought I had stepped in male pride until I realized that it was suspicion that made him so angry. I held up my hands as if to ward off a blow. "Hey, I always need good mechanics, and ones who specialize in MS's are damned hard to find. The Preventors have snatched most of them up."

"Hn."

"I don't have Duo's ability to read your mind, Yuy, you have to tell me if that's a yes or a no."

"What is that you do?"

Well, that was a step in the right direction. "I thought Duo would have told you, but I run a salvage operation. We salvage the MS's that the Preventors bring in from the rebels and the uprisings. If you don't want to work for them then you could work for me."

Heero thought about that. "Maybe."

Back to the monosyllabic shit again, great, let me dance with joy. "Don't say much do you?"

Heero gave me a sideways glance. "Duo always did most of the talking."

Well, that brought us to the subject I kept dancing around. It was easier for me to deal with his pain rather than the interesting little geometric figure between the three of us. I was feeling betrayed, but wasn't sure I had a right to it. I was feeling a little jealous, and a lot possessive, and I wasn't sure I had a right to that either. I leaned back against the counter and sighed. "You were lovers."

Heero looked sideways at me. "Aa."

"You still are lovers."

"Aa." He seemed a little guilty at that.

I did feel anger then. Heero felt guilt, I felt guilty, and Duo… Duo felt nothing as far as I could see. He enjoyed us both. Perhaps even loved us both. I didn't know. He had never given me the words. And, damn it, the words are important. "Where does that leave us?"

"I don't know." Heero turned to look at me full in the face. "Where do you want it to leave us?"

Whew, a loaded question if I ever heard one, and one I didn't think it was mine to answer. I hadn't taken on two lovers. I had never let, if not encouraged, two people to fall in love with me. "I think that's a question for Duo."

"Would you let him go?"

I looked straight into his startling blue eyes. "Would you?"

We were silent for a long time, the thoughts hung between us like silver threads. The coffee went cold in my hands.

"I would if he asked me. I would."

I nodded. "If asked, or if I knew he didn't love me. I'm not going to live my life loving someone who doesn't love me."

"He hasn't told you."

"No," I frowned at my reflection in the cold black coffee. "Has he told you?"

"No."

"Why is it that two beautiful, sexy, young, desirable things such as ourselves are pining after an idiot that can't even say the words?" I was half laughing, half whining. Heero snorted.

"Sexy? Beautiful?"

"Well fine then. I may not be, but you are." Once those words popped out I bit my lips and turned hot around the ears.

Heero had an odd look on his face. "You think I'm beautiful?"

It came out slow, very deliberate, as if he was tasting the words. I'm not sure he had ever heard someone say that. Surely Duo, but maybe that was all. What type of self-image did he have? What did he see when he looked in the mirror? Did he even look? I walked in front of him; so close our knees bumped, and reached up to brush those thick bangs away. His hair was so soft. He watched me, so cautiously it hurt. I smoothed a hand down his cheek and held it flat against his cheek. I cocked my head to the side and really looked at him. Really looked, to see why he struck me as beautiful. Anyone with that body would be sexy, but beauty is more unique. There was something to the length of his neck, the line of his jaw, the depth of the color of his eyes. "You are beautiful. Not like Duo, but you have it."

I dropped my hand and backed away, embarrassed as all hell. I'm not used to touching strange men after only knowing them for a single day. Nor am I used to letting them stay in my home. But with Heero it seemed normal, seemed okay. Duo had talked about Heero so often that he wasn't a stranger to me. I wondered if Duo talked to Heero about me.

Heero did something that made me jump. He brushed a hand through my hair. I caught his hand and twisted before I thought about it, pressing hard on the pressure point at the wrist. He rolled with it to keep from getting his wrist broken and ended up on the ground with his back pressed against my knees. I dropped his hand and clapped both of mine to my mouth when he tapped his free hand against the tiled floor.

"Omigod, omigod, omigod. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Are you all right? Did I hurt you? Shit, I'm _so_ sorry." I sort of did a little dance and then dropped to my knees in front of him. "I didn't mean it."

His shoulders were shaking and I started to tense up, getting ready to bolt. I really did not want to deal with the Perfect Soldier during a flashback. Then he looked up at me with big blue eyes that were sparkling at me. Heero was laughing. At me. Oh joy. I crossed my arms over my chest and glared at him.

He sat up and propped one arm on his knee, the grin on his face was far more suited for Duo than his normal impassivity.

"What?" I tried not to be defensive, but failed miserably.

"You are more skilled with pressure points than Duo." He was no longer openly chuckling but he did remain amused. The warmth in his eyes crept through my system all the way to my toes. Just because it was so unexpected. Honest.

"I kick Shinigami's butt when if comes to hand to hand combat." Which was the truth. In MS's Duo outclassed me like the sun outclasses the moon, but take him out of the suit and I'll use him to wipe the floor. I'll show you my real training outside of the suit.

Heero was watching me intensely, all humor drained from his face. "You were trained to kill."

I shrugged one shoulder. "We all were, weren't we? That's what war is all about. You go out and kill the assigned enemy."

"Not what I meant."

For some reason it seemed important to him to hear me say it. Maybe just to say he wasn't the only one. None of the Gundam pilots were trained like he was; they were pilots, not murders, not like us. I sighed. "OZ trained me especially for espionage, infiltration, and assassination. Hence the crappy mobile suit piloting and the talent with the hand to hand stuff."

"I would not term you a deficient pilot. You appeared to be quite effective." I blinked at him; unless I was very much mistaken Heero Yuy had just complimented me. "You have the build for your training."

I arched an eyebrow.

"Slight, agile, and physically unassuming. You do not appear as a threat. Deception in assassination is desirable."

"You sound knowledgeable." I was trying not to sound snide, but the memories of my training with OZ would qualify for horrific.

He looked up at me with ghosts swimming in his cobalt eyes. "I am."

I drew my knees up to my chest. "You were the only one trained for it. For killing face to face."

He nodded. "I was trained the longest."

I wasn't sure how to handle that. From what Duo said Dr. G was a monster from the ninth level of hell. I'm not sure Dr. J would have been much better. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Do you?" This answering a question with a question was getting old.

"Hell no," I closed my eyes. "I don't want to even think about it, but the memories fester."

"When a wound festers it must be lanced, despite the pain." Well, I guess that was an invitation.

"I can take it if you can." I gave him a lopsided grin, the same way I did when the doctors were getting ready to give my vaccination shots when I was little. He gave me a halfhearted one in return.

He inhaled and told me the straight shit in that mechanical monotone. Every once in a while he would close his eyes or pause when things got really bad, but the monotone kept him going though its own momentum. He pretty much started with the very beginning—learning to kill under Odin Lowe—and continued straight to the beginning of the war. I didn't interrupt. I was half afraid to breathe for fear of that if I stopped this outpouring he would bottle it all back up. I don't think that he had ever told anyone this much, and definitely not all at one go. His voice broke when he told me about the little girl with the dog. His personal phantom I guess. It's always worse when it's a child. Always. I didn't always get all the details but I heard the pain, the anger, the fear, the drowning guilt, and that hidden fierce joy.

It's the joy that is horrifying. It's the pleasure, that sick hot joy in the hunt, in the kill, that brings you screaming to the abyss in your soul where you watch yourself lose something essential. And Heero had been alone in that, because it's different when you kill hand to hand. It's different when you can see the face that you kill.

Heero stopped at the start of the war--still a blank for me since Duo hordes his demons--and wouldn't look at me. Thinking I would be horrified and sickened. And I was, but not with him, never with the soldiers. More with the circumstances that had put us there.

"Do you expect me to run screaming? To condemn you, Heero?" He still would not raise his eyes. "Look at me, please?"

Why is it that 'please' always gets him to respond? It never works with Duo.

"Relena couldn't handle it." So that was part of it. The angel he put up on the pedestal to heal him couldn't look at that blank space in his soul.

"I'm not the little princess. My hands are as bloody as yours. My dreams are as bloody as yours." I swallowed hard on the bile rising in my throat. "I've felt the joy in the fight."

He was watching me like I was the center of his universe.

I told him about my training with OZ. How OZ had taught me to hate my enemy and to revel in the hunting. I told him about the beatings and the rapes that they had used to get me to kill without thought and with remorse. I talked about the blank spot in my soul where my conscious ought to be. I told him about meeting Duo and how it felt like waking up from a long nightmare. I told him about how I was afraid I would wake up and find that peace was all a dream. A horrible tease.

He looked at me as if I was salvation. I didn't want that look.

"I know what its like to kill and feel that blankness. I've seen it, Heero. I know what it is to really take life. I know how it's different when you can see the face. How it's harder at first, and then easier. I know how it's more intense when you can see the face you kill. I know how it feels to steal God's power for just a moment. I know the sneaking desire to take someone's life and crush it out just because you can. I know." I took a long shuddering breath and held my eyes closed. I jerked back when something gentle brushed my left cheekbone. Heero was leaning towards me. Resting his weight on one arm, studying his free hand with an almost frightening intensity. There was a streak of wetness on it. He looked at me, confusion and curiosity warring on his face.

"Your tears…"

I laid my fingertips to my cheeks. They were damp. I put them down and held them in my lap. My hands were white knuckled and shaking.

Strong, rough hands slid over mine, stilling the shaking that had traveled up my arms. My entire body was trembling. Heero laid his forehead against mine and our breath mingled together. We breathed together in the bright morning light and said nothing. We didn't need the words. We knew, God help us both, we knew.

~~

After sharing our deep and privately guarded psychological demons in the morning light we spent the next three weeks learning how to be with each other. I think we learned to be easy with ourselves as well.

We didn't talk a lot, didn't seem to need the words. With Duo there was always something going on, something being said, like living life with one finger constantly on the fast forward button. Heero was different. Quiet, deliberate, thoughtful. I was expecting him to be analytic; I wasn't prepared against the thoughtfulness. God grant me patience, the man was also anal as all get out.

Do you have any idea how long it takes that man to pick out a casaba melon?  
~~

"Heero, will you just pick a melon so we can go already?" I huffed. I swear, if I 'd tolerated it he would have broken out the measuring implements right in the middle of the super market.

He looked at me over his shoulder, holding the melon in one hand and snorted something that sounded suspiciously like 'baka.' But he did walk over to the cart and place the melon in the spot arranged for it. He organizes shopping carts. Christ on a crutch.

We got the shopping done according to the list and got out. It would have been faster if it had been just me, no list, but I'd never tell him that.

~~

Besides Yuy's utter inability to finish a shopping list, we had very few problems living together. His anal retentiveness was actually something of a relief at work in the scrap yard. I could always count on him to finish whatever project I gave him. Heero quickly became one of my task mangers. The other workers accepted him relatively easily as well, which is saying something. Most of my mechanics are veterans from one war or another. I've been 'collecting' them since the war. The older ones, the really good ones who could give the Mad 5 and Howard a run for their money, were survivors of the Urban Wars. Survivors, they insisted, because in those days everyone fought everyone.

It was the survivors who took to Heero the quickest. They liked his quick hands and sharp mind. They appreciated his silence, and they understood that blank spot inside. The rest of my crew watched the old men and when the Urban War survivors accepted Heero, they did without a word. The relief I felt was indescribable.

Heero asked about my crew one time, confused as to why I would not only accept but also apparently seek out potentially unstable although unmistakably competent men. I told him, he nodded, and we ate dinner. Heero didn't ask again. A girl could get used to this.

And after his first day of work I discovered just how thin the walls were in this house.

I awoke to a muffled sound, something not quite right in the night. Something I hadn't heard in over a year. Not quite crying, but like half swallowed screaming. I sat up, debating about an appropriate course of action. Heero may not take to well to being woken out of the grips out some sneaking half-memory. I hesitated, clutching at the blanket when the low whimpering sound crept thought the walls like a ghost to tug at my heart with small hands. I pulled the Berretta out of the holster and walked out my room, gun held low. I placed my hand on Heero's door. I could hear him shifting and that small sound came limping out of the room. I knocked and called his name, no response. Slipping the gun into the waistband of my shorts, safety on, I pushed the door slowly open. In my night vision I could see his twisting form. He sat bolt upright when I stepped gently into the room.

"Hilde?" His voice was confused, not sure if I was real or dream, friend or foe.

"It's me. I heard something…" I moved no further into the room and kept my hands in his view. Soldiers tend to act and then think.

He put his head against his drawn knees and took measured breaths. "I had that damned dream."

"Can I come into the room?"

He nodded against his knees; I could barely see it.

I gingerly walked across the cold floorboards to stand next to his bed. I brushed a hand against across his hair and he shuddered a little. When he looked up all I could see was the Irish blue of his eyes. I drown in his sorrow. I felt a little place in my heart move over and give him room. I gasped when he suddenly wrapped his arms around my hips and pulled me into him. He buried his face against my stomach. I gently placed my hand on his head and held myself very still.

"You brought a gun?"

"Always." My voice was getting ready to run. Damned traitor. I thought I saw Heero's teeth flash in a smile.

"A cautious soldier."

"A living soldier."

"Aa."

"Do you need to talk?"

He hid his face against me with a minute shudder.

"It can wait then." I brushed my hand down his back, and reveled for one guilty moment in the smooth play of his muscles.

Heero sighed against me. I started to pull away, unsure of myself and the line I was toeing. When I started to pull back he tightened his grip around my hips and tugged. With a startled squeak I tumbled onto his bed and him. Our noses bumped.

"This is a bad plan, Heero. Definite bad plan." My voice was shaking. When I brought myself up to my elbows he grunted a little at the shift in my weight. I felt him all the way down my body. His heat was seeping into me, chasing away the lonely chill. God help me, I was in a really bad spot for temptation, and this was a place I've been before. A place I've fallen before.

Heero didn't answer me, just slid his fingers around the waistband of my shorts and took away the gun. I could feel his body stretch as he reached up to place the Berretta on the nightstand. Losing the gun was like losing one of the walls that I'd put up between him and me. Heero very gently touched my shoulders, but didn't hold me. He was giving me space, and escape route if I wanted it. And the terrifying thing was I didn't want it. I wanted him.

I started to sit up so I was straddling his hips. I meeped softly when I realized that the lust level was definitely reciprocal. I was blushing like mad, grateful for the concealing darkness. He sat up against the headboard so we were eyelevel. My breathing was erratic, and I was beginning to wonder if someone had snuck in and replaced my quiet, wounded, thoughtful Heero.

"Hilde…" He said my name like a question and a plea. He didn't touch me, but his gaze had a tangible weight.

My voice had completely deserted me, run away from my confusion. I just shook my head.

We sat breathing together in the darkness. I didn't move and he didn't touch me, but we were painfully aware of each other's presence. I swallowed hard and found my voice.

"I think… this is a bad plan. Things are complicated enough." But I didn't move, because, quite frankly, I think my knees would have collapsed and dropped me on my face.

Heero ran the tips of his fingers across my cheeks before resting them against my lips. "I don't want to be alone, not right now."

The request, the plea, was so unusual for the Heero I had come to know. My resolve when it came to him was weak already, but every time I saw this vulnerability I crumbled a little. When I reached out to cup his face he kissed my palms. I titled his face up and sat up on my knees to look down at him. "Why is it that we always have 'ta complicate things?"

"Duo?"

I nodded.

Heero wrapped his arms around me. "For tonight, can we let it go?"

I laughed when I wanted to cry. "If it wasn't for him…"

Heero kissed me, sweet and slow. "I know."

I moaned into his mouth when he ran his hands up my legs to rest on my hips. He pulled away and stared up at me with those vivid eyes. "What do you see in me?"

I blinked at the unexpected question. He's good at that, hitting you with questions when you don't expect them. "I don't know. I just see you. I can't put all that into words. You break down my walls though, and I don't know what to do about it."

He did a sort of sit up that made his abs bunch beautifully and caught my lips. "Me, too. Is this a good thing?"

"I don't know."

I stopped thinking about it. Heero moved that clever mouth down my neck to the neckline of my tank top. He growled, wolfish, when the cloth got in his way. I whimpered a little and he stopped, watching me, worried. I smiled slightly and kissed him hard enough to take his breath away. My self-control had finally run for the hill. I have to say it was about damned time.

"Hilde?"

"We'll figure it out in the morning."

"Aa."

I think he was amused a little at this sudden capitulation but I couldn't be sure. I slid my hands over his chest, running fingertips across his abs, and reveled in the feeling of the muscles tensing under the feather-soft touch. I nipped at his ear and heard him moan a little, and then bent to taste the base of his neck. I thought dawned on me and I reared up fast enough to accidentally smack my head against his jaw.

"Ow, shit. I'm sorry, Heero. Promise to kiss and make it better."

"Aa. Daijoubu."

"But, am I your first? Girl, I mean?"

"Aa."

How he managed to make a monosyllabic vowel sound so embarrassed was beyond me, but let me tell you it was so~o cute. I kissed his nose.

"Promise to be gentle with you."

"Hn. Baka."

"Hey, you see a braid on me?"

That made him give me a maniacal grin before he flipped me over, using all that hidden strength. I blinked up at him and he kissed me nose, making me cross my eyes to follow his motion.

"Leverage."

"Noticed, whatchya gonna do with it?"

Those cobalt eyes blazed like magnesium, making me forget to breathe when I looked into them. I think I understand, Duo, when you could not let this one go. Nothing I had could match that fire, that intensity. Heero could make you feel like you were the center of his world, that everything he had was focused just on you. It was terrifying, humbling, and exhilarating. I had the feeling that I was playing with flames but would never, never, get burned, not by him.

I slid my hands up his sides, through his thick hair, and pulled him down to me. I kissed him without closing my eyes, watching him. He brought one hand to trace the line of my jaw, and then he followed that tender line with his mouth. I arched under him when he nipped at my neck. My hands were making mindless circles on his back. The blankets were tangled around his legs, making it difficult for him to move. I giggled as he kicked them away with more force that success. He responded by tickling me senseless for a moment.

This playfulness and caution, it was disarming, alarming, but I had nothing to defend myself with. He had stolen my barricades without even knowing it. God defend me, I'd fallen again without knowing it. Duo? Is this what happened to you? Did we overwhelm you with our need and affection? Did we blind you with our devotion? What's wrong with me? Philosophizing with one absent lover while I cheat on him with the other.

Heero lay over me, holding his weight off me on his elbows, waiting for something. Permission perhaps. I reached up and kissed his nose. His eyes crossed for a moment.

"Your clothes are in the way."

"Well then, Perfect Soldier, take them off."

"Ninmu Ryoukai."

I laughed at that, but it turned into a moan when Heero gently tugged up my tank-top and kissed the exposed line of my ribs. I raised my arms and he pulled the flimsy clothe completely off. His eyes seemed to devour me, and I felt my ears get hot. It was a strange mix of curiosity, lust, and … wonder, I guess, that lived in his gaze. He kissed me.

"You are beautiful. Ephemeral…umph."

"Is that ephemeral?"

"Ah, no. Do it again."

I kissed him again, wrapping my arms around him, pressing against him, absorbing his heat. Heero moaned into my mouth when I ground my hips against him.

"Off." I muttered around his sensuous mouth. "OFF."

Heero gathered me one armed into his embrace and did a sort of push up to get me off the bed, with one hand he yanked my shorts and underwear straight off. Damned if I knew how he did it, but it was cool.

"Wow."

Heero smirked as he settled me back on the bed. How does a guy make a smirk sexy? I gasped and bit down on his shoulder when he slipped two fingers inside me. His thumb found my clit and I almost came off the bed. Heero paused, making me whimper.

"This?"

He made my world spin and explode. I moaned his name against his shoulder, shuddering when his mouth found my breast. I fisted my hands in his hair and pulled him up to kiss him. I half screamed into his mouth when I came.

"Wow."

So my vocabulary is rather limited in some situations. Sue me.

I hooked one leg behind his knee and pushed. I giggled unrepentantly when he lay blinking up at me. I kissed his nose.

"Leverage." Heero commented.

I didn't reply; I was too busy kissing a line down his chest. His back arched when I tentatively slipped my tongue around the tip of his cock. I grinned when he moaned my name and fisted his hands in the bed sheets. I let one hand wander up to make lazy patterns across his tense stomach and cupped him with the other. He groaned when I brought him completely into my mouth. Driving him perilously close to the edge was so easy it made me wonder. He was unbelievably sensitive. He called my name and murmured staccato Japanese words when I finally let him slip into euphoria.

I crawled back up his body, kissing random places. I grinned foolishly at him when he blinked pleasure fogged blue eyes at me. The Perfect Soldier in afterglow is a really cute sight, let me tell you. Those dark lashed eyes took a while to focus on me.

"Sugoi." I think I knew that word, but my own pleasure-befuddled brain didn't see the point in translating.

He reached up and cuddled me against his chest. I sighed and collapsed completely against him. Heero's hands wandered all over my body, slowly pulling a warm blanket of general pleasure over me. His hands found my breasts, just touching them, rolling the nipples between his fingers, utterly fascinated.

"Why is it that men are always drawn to the boobs?"

"We don't have them."

"Well, that's simple."

"Aa."

Heero's downtime was amazingly short. Almost shorter than Duo's. He watched me with wide uncertain eyes when I slowly lowered myself onto him. Oh, my, did that feel good. I hummed in pleasure. I was going to take it soft and slow, controlled, until my mind exploded at the feel of him. Him inside me, his hands resting on my thighs, his heart beat under my fingers. That sweep of hot lust crashed over me and took both of us for a ride.

I kissed his mouth, ravaging it. Nipped at his neck, leaving little marks. I let my hands roam everywhere and just rode him. The pleasure/tension pounded through my blood, thundered in my ears, and heated my kisses. I was aware of Heero's hands on my breasts, my hips. I was aware of him pulling me down to meet his thrusts. I know I screamed his name when I came and I know he screamed mine.

~~

When I slowly drifted into awareness in the late morning I had two thoughts. The first was my stuffed dog had gotten a heck of a lot bigger, and the second was that I was way late to work. I willed the thought away and snuggled closer to the warm male chest, and sighed.

Hold that. Male?

I looked up into Heero's blue eyes and blinked.

"Ohayo."

"Um, Good morning?"

"Regrets?"

"Nope."

I kissed Heero until the tension bled out of his shoulders. We lay there in the late morning. Cuddling. Who knew Heero had a fondness for snuggling under the covers in the late dawn light? I sighed and gave him a small push. He grunted at me.

"Get up."

Heero pinned my arms above my head and I glared at him.

"Heero, we have work."

He kissed me, running a hand down my side and back up. Did I mention both my wrists fit into one of his hands?

"Seriously, Heero, we have work. Get. Up."

He kissed my neck and rolled one nipple between his fingers. I hissed for a moment at the sensation.

"You're not going to distract me like that."

He grinned.

We skipped work.  
~~

So Heero and I spent roughly a month together before Duo finally came home. For two weeks of that we were lovers. I worried about that. I'm not Catholic, but Duo says I do the guilt part like a champ. Heero just shrugged the thought away with one lean shoulder and said we'd see. He also mentioned that our braided lover is hentai enough to like the idea. He's probably right.

I watched him stand in the kitchen watching the clouds drift by. I still wonder what he sees when looks at them. We still keep some of our demons private. We've never talked about what actually happened during the war. We have plenty of issues to deal with before that. But Heero was finding his balance, just when I was losing mine.

I wrapped my arms around his waist and nuzzled his neck. I had to go on tiptoe to do it. He tugged at the fingerless leather gloves I was wearing.

"I'm going to work."

"On Saturday?"

"It's the end of the month; I've gotta do the books."

"I'll go with you."

I rested my head against his broad back and sighed. I didn't want to go. "It'll get done faster if it's just me."

He made a small 'hurmping' sound and crossed his arms over his chest. I think I insulted his male pride. The thought made me snicker. He twisted around in my arms to face me.

"Duo comes home today."

The nervousness that had been dancing around in my stomach went into a full-blown Irish jig.

"I know. We'll deal with it when he comes."

"You're running away."

"I am not. I really do need to get the books done and its easier when no one's bothering me with stupid shit."

He grinned and tweaked my nose. "You're cute when you're huffy."

I swore at him in German for a moment but it only made him chuckle. "I'm going to work."

He sort of smiled sort of smirked at me. "So German."

I stuck my tongue out at him. Immature as hell, but deeply satisfying.  
~~

I did get the books done. It took me five hours longer than usual and I seem to have picked up an obsession with solitaire, but I got them done. Not only was my salvage yard in the clear we were actually making a profit. Nothing world-shaking like Quatre's but a nice profit. I slid my hands over my desk and sighed, some of the fun had gone out of running the yard. It wasn't a challenge any more; there was no fear in it any more. I crossed my arms and laid my head in them.

"Okashira?"

I turned my head to the gravelly voice. "Eh?"

One of my crew ambled up to me and sat at the edge of the desk. They always knew that they were welcome at any time. He was one of the Urban War survivors. He looked at me and cocked his head to one side. "Bored?"

"I just finished doing the financial shit for the month. I'm nearly comatose."

He just chuckled. I bitched about doing the books and all the paperwork, but I got a kick out of too. This was something that was mine. From start to finish it was mine. There wasn't a lot that I could put that type of claim to. "Ya bored with this? All of it?"

I blinked up at him from the sanctuary of my arms and then looked straight ahead. "No, yeah, maybe. I don't know."

He ruffled my hair for a moment. "We were just thinking that if you wanted out, well, we'd be for that. Ya want to do something different; we'd be up for that to."

I didn't quite know what to tell him. I just looked at him for a while and then looked back to my arms. "'Kay"

He got up to leave. "We just wanted you to know." I sat there for a long time. I sat there until the artificial light of the colony went into its night setting. I still didn't have any answers.

Duo's bike was in the drive when I got home.

A weight settled over my heart and I felt myself take that step back from everything, but I didn't know how to stop. I think I had been preparing to let go of them both since Heero arrived. I didn't see a place for myself within that closed circuit relationship. They didn't need anyone but each other. I was buying time on credit I didn't have. I guess I was about to pay up.

I let myself in as quietly as I knew how, and that's pretty damned quiet. I could hear Duo's smooth tenor rippling over the silence. Biting my lip I crept down the hallway towards the kitchen and kept to the shadows.

"So the ojou-san sent you here, huh? Pretty smart of her. I didn't think that she'd ever let you go. It's not like her to admit that she can't do something on her own, and that includes saving you."

Duo sounded quietly amused and a little impressed. There was a type of mild affection in his voice—elder brotherly almost. Heero's response was too quiet for me to make out. Duo laughed though. His laughter was a tangible thing, like a warm blanket you could wrap around yourself. It felt like velvet.

"I guess, ojou-san's plate seems just a little full right now."

Heero made some comment and I caught my name. I pulled farther back into the shadows lurking in the hallway.

"Relena wants Hilde for that job? No way, man. She won't do it. You'd have a better chance of prying Noin from Zechs than you would Hilde from her salvage yard. She's as focused on that as Wu-man is to justice."

I wasn't sure but I thought I heard disdain in Duo's rich voice. There seemed to be a shorting to his rolling vowels, a harshness to the way he ended his words. He seemed bitter almost. I felt my hackles rise and didn't know why.

"Yeah, I guess she's got the training. But Hilde? Nah."

"You underestimate her."

I wanted to kiss Heero. I never understood why Duo was always so quick to dismiss my combat ability. It was infuriating the way he always assumed that he had to protect me, just because I needed help once. I missed Duo's first words in my angry little reflection, but I tuned in when he said my name.

"…really, Hilde is a great girl and all."

Wow, Duo, you don't have to get all worked up on my account. Save some of your enthusiasm for something more important than me. He sounded resigned. Sensitive? Who me?

From my little nook in the shadows I saw Duo wander across the kitchen to wrap his arms around Heero's waist the way I had this morning and kiss Heero's neck. He had an easier time reaching. Must be nice, being tall. Heero murmured something, and Duo sighed.

"I love you. I'm not angry, I could never be angry with my lovers."

It felt like someone had hit my upside the head with a two by four as if my head were a baseball. My ears were ringing I couldn't hear what else that man said. I backed away and crept to my room.

With the door firmly closed, I slowly slid down the door until my butt was on the floor. Duo gave Heero the words. Three years with him and he had never even once hinted at saying them to me. Never once did it slip. He acted as if I were just a given. A part of his life that he expected but it sure as hell didn't seem as if he cared if I was around or not. I was just a girl. I was the girl. His little token of normalcy. I was just around to prove that he was perfectly fine and well adjusted. I was there to show that everything was just fine. Well everything was fine. I wasn't fine.

I rubbed my palms against my eyes and swore in lowland German. I wanted to scream. I wanted to drop to my knees and wail. I wanted to reach out and shake Duo until he told me why. Told me why I wasn't good enough for him to love. I wanted him to tell me why I was good enough to fuck but not to love. But I did none of those things. I opened my hand communicator and made a call.

Noin's image was a little bouncy but it cleared after a moment. "Hilde?"

"Sorry it took so long for me to get back to you, but I've got your answer."

Noin looked startled and then pleased. "Let me get Relena-sama on the line. She'll want to talk to you."

I held my breath and listened down the hall. Nothing. Good.

Relena blinked owlishly at me from the tiny screen. "Hilde, I'm so pleased you responded. I was worried."

"I had to think for a while."

"I understand." Her sudden smile was impressive, even over the shitty imaging. "I hope you don't mind, but I did some research on your salvage yard. I can understand why my sudden actions gave you reason to doubt me."

I blinked at the com-link, unless I was mistaken Relena was implying that she knew what a mess she had handed me in the form of Heero Yuy. And she was sorry for it. Maybe blondie wasn't as bad as I had been thinking.

I took a breath. "I'll take the job."

Relena put her hands on the table. "Excellent. I'll tell Wufei that our new Chief of Special Investigations will be arriving shortly. He'll be pleased you accepted. It was his idea to ask you."

WHAAAA? I didn't articulate anything, but my mind had gone into overdrive. Chang Wufei had become the Minister for the Justice department. I wondered how often she had her head together with him. I hadn't heard anything about this idea, it must have been something they had been joint planning for a while. I had a devious little thought. Chang and Relena would be a good pair. Step away from the matchmaking, Hilde! Just because your life is in ruins doesn't mean that you need to ruin everyone else's.

Relena had stopped during my little interlude. She smiled at me again. "Startling I know. But both Wufei," 'Wufei', my, aren't we nice and close. I wonder if she noticed that her voice warmed when she mentioned his name. "And I believe that the new government is not really equipped to deal with the rise in crimes that cross both national boundaries here on Earth but also in space and between Earth and space. He and I have discussed creating an agency that would work between our two departments and would deal with those crimes that require more than the local police forces can give."

"Pretty broad, Rel." I liked the idea. I liked the idea of doing police work, but with almost free reign. The mission of this department was going to be huge. Sounded like fun. "I'll do it."

Relena clapped her hands girlishly. Sometimes it was easy to forget that we were all only 18 or 19 years old. "Oh good. When can you come? We have offices, but you have next to no staff. No structure."

"No nothing."

"Pretty much. I'm sorry for dropping you into this."

"Don't worry about it." I think I was jumping out of the pan and was currently praying that I wasn't going to land in the fire. Well, the crew wanted a new challenge. I think I had just found us one. They'd like playing EDD boys. Really. Right?

Relena chewed on her fingernail. "I'm really sorry to drop you into this mess without any safety net."

"Stop apologizing. I'll be there in tomorrow morning. Can you have someone make arrangements for a place for me to stay until I can find an apartment?"

"What?" Relena seemed a little startled. "Of course. So soon, Hilde?"

"Yeah."

Her eyes held a quality of understanding that made me squirm. "I won't claim to understand, Hilde, but you can't run from them."

The smile I gave her was bitter. "Watch me." Then I hung up. I started to pack with the automatic movement I had learned from bouncing around with OZ.

Duo came in when I was almost done. All I had left to pack were the guns.

"Hey babe," He leaned against the doorframe with an easy smile. "I'm home."

"I noticed." I kept packing, not looking up. I didn't want to see him. Something took another step back from the situation.

"Watchya doin' babe?" He crouched down beside me to watch.

"Packing."

He blew at his bangs in a gesture that I had learned to interpret as one of annoyance. "I got that much, Hilde, but why?"

I looked at him dead in the eyes and felt calm. I felt so calm I was cold. The anger was gone, in fact, I discovered I didn't feel at all. Was it supposed to be like this? I shivered when I stood up. I knew he was watching me move about the room. Eventually he'd start to chatter. As nature abhors a void, Duo Maxwell hates silence.

"You haven't answered the question." His voice held an odd note of seriousness, and this funny note of something else that I couldn't quite place. I picked up the smooth leather case that held my twin Browning Hi-powers. The Berretta was too big to wear without getting noticed. I still couldn't break myself of the need to be armed. I flipped the case open and shot my answer over my shoulder.

"Heero told you about Noin's call, didn't he? Well, I took the job."

The look of utter shook on his face came as a surprise to me. We blinked at each other. I didn't expect him to look like I had just brained him one. I hadn't expected him to look at me with lost amethyst eyes. His mouth was working but nothing was coming out. I knelt next to him, balancing on the balls of my feet. I repeated myself slowly. "I took the job."

He blinked very slowly. There was a look in his eyes that I didn't understand. "Why, Hilde?"

I shrugged.

"Why are you leaving? You have everything right here on L2. Your salvage yard, the house….Everything." His voice trailed away. I wanted to ask him why he didn't include himself, but I didn't. It was just another sign that I wasn't really anything all that special to him. There was a look on his face that I'd seen once before but had never really been able to figure out. I kissed him lightly. "-You-," I stressed, "Have everything that you want here. At least you do now."

He fidgeted with his braid. "How long have you known?"

"About you and Heero?" Or how long have I known that you don't love me?

"Always I think." He just looked at me. "I'm a girl, Duo, not an idiot." And I'm not going to act like one by hanging onto something I can't have.

Duo seemed to be having problems processing all of this. Whatever reaction he expected out of me this wasn't it. I was a little afraid myself, honestly. The anger had dwindled away to only smoke and ashes. I was so calm I was chilly. Everything seemed sharper, but further away. I felt like I was watching a bad movie.

"I'm letting you go, Duo." I picked up my bag and slung the standard military issue duffle over my shoulder. "I guess it was just a matter of time. I had one hell of a good time. I wish we were one of those forever couples, but we aren't. You and Heero though, I think you two are."

Was it supposed to be this easy?

Why am I so cold?

"You're leaving, just like that?" He sounded angry. Or like he was working on getting angry. Boy has a temper once he gets going.

"Well, not just like that." I walked out of the room. Why was it so hard to breathe? "I need you to send some stuff, but it shouldn't be much."

"But your salvage yard." Duo's voice had a strange note that could have been panic. Guess he really didn't want to run the place.

"Don't worry about it. I've got it covered."

I stepped around him when he got in front of me in the living room. I glanced back at him. He was looking at me like I had grown a second head. Funny, I thought he'd be happy, not confused. I shrugged it away and kissed his cheek. I told him I'd call when I got to Earth. Habit, I guess. He just looked at me without a word. I picked up the bag in slow motion and walked out the door. I stared at the door for a long time when I closed it. Why was Duo looking at me like that?

I turned around from closing the door and bumped right into Heero.

"Umph." I rubbed my nose.

"You're running away."

"Why does everyone say that?" I glared up into his eyes defiantly. "I'm not running away. I just know when to let go. I'm not going to fight a battle I can't win."

Heero shook his head. "He just got home, you haven't even listened to him explain anything. You're running away. Why are you so scared?"

"Don't start with the being scared of my emotions crap. You're a good one to talk." I tried to step around him, but he blocked me. It was too hard to push him out of the away loaded down with bags.

"I'm learning. Why are you leaving us? It's not just him. It's me as well."

I looked up at him. Why was it that I felt like I was watching one of those old black and white movies? Except if I didn't get on the plane everyone else would regret it. Maybe not now, but someday. "He loves you, not me. You love him, not me. In a threesome there is always one that gets left out when the other two fall deeper in love. I'm just leaving now before that can happen."

That look that was in Duo's eyes had snuck into Heero's. "You don't know that."

"I'm not going to lie to myself. Let. Me. Go."

He stepped out of my way, and dropped his hands to his side. I walked away. I just got in the car and left without a word.

I'm not running. It's just a pre-emptive retreat.


End file.
